Bryan Moriarty


Bryan Moriarty

Nerd Extraordinaire

Bryan Moriarty, Nerd Extraordinaire

Bryan was born from what appeared to be humble beginnings.  At age 5, he was kidnapped by Bolivian drug lords and brainwashed to think he was the son of kingpin Roberto Suárez Gómez.  Raised to privilege, Bryan had it all: money, and nearly unlimited access to copious amounts of cocaine, which naturally made him the most popular kid in school.

​At age 9, Bryan was kidnapped yet again.  This time, it was by a ninja clan who had been hired by the Brazilian government to destroy Gómez’s legacy.  Rather than killing him, they trained him in the arts of ninjitsu, ranged weapon combat, and improv comedy. At age 11, the ninjas realized Bryan was not the son of Gómez, and released him on the condition that his secret training never be revealed.  Fortunately, the clan was killed in a freak accident involving genetically modified wasps, making the agreement void.

Free, and now lethal, Bryan roamed the world where his travels took him to Chicago.  There he found Sean, a coked-out, destitute 13-year old boy on a park bench being accosted by thugs. Using his ninja improv skills, Bryan vanquished the thugs by tricking them into an improv game of “Murder,” and then actually slitting their throats.

​Bryan rushed Sean to his house, not even knowing that he was related to him and nursed him back to health out of the kindness of his heart. Bryan’s parents came over to meet the man that Bryan had taken in and as soon as they saw his eyes, they screamed in horror, “Its the BOY! The BOY we left in the subway!  He lives!  Kill HIM!”  Sean fought with the strength of a thousand men and shredded his parents to pieces. Bryan was needless to say taken aback.  He knew why Sean did what he did, but he couldn’t let it slide.  He taught Sean how to use a Macbook and he is now an indentured servant, toiling away in the dull, depressing glow of a laptop screen until Bryan releases him from bondage.

​In reality, Bryan is an actor, filmmaker, podcaster, and hardcore Apple enthusiast who lives in San Jose, CA where he dreams of one day making a living at being creative.