An Announcement from Business Owners Against Action Heroes

Today, we at Business Owners Against Action Heroes (BOAAH), in partnership with the National Demolition Workers Labor Union, are announcing our support for H.R. 3548, otherwise known as the “Metropolis Act.” We believe that this piece of legislation is crucial to fully protect both businesses from the suffering caused by well-intentioned but mindless superheroes, renegade cops, and space robots enacting rampages of vigilante justice.

For too long the Action Hero community has been allowed to put hard working American business owners through tremendous pains, having to rebuild facilities and putting important sustaining commerce on hold. Shootouts  explosions, car crashes, and sibling rivalries between inter-dimensional gods have terrorized businesses whose only crime is geography. The Metropolis Act will set in place requirements that those responsible parties who choose to act outside of standard law enforcement procedure will be held accountable for any and all property damage suffered by both small and large business owners. It eliminates any chance of legal pardon for actions that cause more than $5,000 worth of damage, despite having saved the girl, bus load of orphans, or the planet.

BOAAH comes from a long tradition put in place by our forefathers, the United Fruit Stand Owners and Glass Window Installers of America, who fought tirelessly to raise awareness of reckless vehicular pursuits. Because their work and the severe increase in insurance rates, we formed BOAAH to lobby in Washington on behalf of those that make America the proud bastion of economic freedom that it is. By working alongside a committee of elected US Representatives, we feel that we have created a fair proposal that can cut through party delineations.

Obviously, the name given to this important piece of proposed legislation calls to mind the recent events that occurred in Metropolis earlier this summer. The chaos imposed upon that great city was a grotesque act of disregard for the operational development, and the loss in investments may never be recovered. The American government must uphold the law and stand alongside the business owners.

We will no longer be bullied by Machiavels who justify disastrous losses with the goal of the “greater good.”

We will not be pressured to turn the other cheek in support of blue collar construction workers, who gain from the suffering of economic leaders.

We are the true victims of random acts of violence, and we will be heard. Thank you.

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